The Friendships that Carry You Through Motherhood
This episode is about one of the most important parts of living a life worth remembering: the people you live it with. If friendship feels thin right now—or you feel lonely even when you’re surrounded by people—this one is for you. Maddie shares why connection changes after kids, what’s helped her build real support (text threads, Marco Polo, evolving community), and permission slips for creating deeper friendships in your season.
Key takeaways
Closeness needs a container. Sometimes you need a setting that can actually hold depth.
Friendship changes shape in motherhood. The goal isn’t to recreate the old version—it’s to find formats that fit now.
Being known beyond a role is healing. Friendship helps you remember you’re still a whole person.
Formats count. Text threads, Marco Polo, voice notes, monthly meetups—these are real connection.
Someone has to go first. Initiation feels vulnerable, but it’s often the bridge to closeness.
Permission slips
The container matters
Timing can look different now (after 8pm, early walks, errands together)
Formats count, especially early on
Go one layer deeper than logistics
Someone has to go first
-
Why Friendship Matters
Today's episode isn't about a memory keeping tool or a travel story. It's about something that might be the most important part of living a life worth remembering the people you live it with. And if you're in a place right now where friendship feels thin or you're surrounded by people but still feel lonely, I want you to know you're not the only one and I made this episode for you
I want to start with something small. Literally. When I was growing up this tiny vintage Hallmark book, it's called, "A Friend is an Angel in Disguise." It was handed down to me from my grandparents. It's a miniature hardback, barely bigger than your palm written in 1975. It has all these short descriptions of what a friend is and what a friend does, and I remember reading it as a kid and thinking, okay, so this is what it looks like. This is the kind of friend I want to be.
And I've been rereading it to my daughter lately, which is probably why friendship has been on my mind so much. I've been thinking about the women who've shaped me, the friends who've carried me, and the moments I felt lonely even when I wasn't technically alone.
So today we're talking about female friendships, especially in early motherhood: what's changed, what's helped, and what to do if you're in a season where you feel alone.
Motherhood Shifts Connection
I was at a park recently with friends and our kids, and every few minutes I'd stop mid-conversation to tend to my daughter and then come back and try to pick up where we left off. And I felt bad about it because if someone is opening up about something real, the last thing you want to do is keep disappearing to watch your toddler go down the slide for the 50th time.
And then the next night, that same circle of friends got ice cream and it felt completely different. Everyone was present. Nobody was being pulled in three directions. We could actually finish a thought. We could actually go deeper.
There's a 2024 study called the American Friendship Project, and what it found wasn't that people don't have friends, most people do. What it found was this: a lot of people don't feel as close to their friends as they want to be, and many aren't satisfied with the amount of time they actually spend together.
Motherhood changes the whole landscape. Your life gets smaller in some ways. Your time, your energy, your ability to be spontaneous and at the same time, your need for real support gets bigger. And the tricky part is even when you're physically with people, it can still be hard to actually connect.
I'll be honest, I've been really lucky. My experience with female friendship and motherhood has been genuinely positive, and I really don't take that for granted. But it didn't just happen, and it hasn't always stayed the same.
Friends Across Life Chapters
As you get older, you end up with friends who know you from completely different chapters of your life. Like I have a friend I've known since I was four years old, and I love that friendship, not just because it's long, but because she knows versions of me that no one else will ever fully know before the big decisions. Before adulthood. Before motherhood. She knows my whole storyline and I hers.
And then there are friends who met me in college or in my twenties or in my career or in early motherhood, and each of those friendships holds a different layer of who I am. And for me, that is one of the most grounding gifts of friendship. Being seen as a whole person, not just a role, not just mom me, not just work me, but truly me.
When Friendships Fade
And then there's another side of this too. There are friendships I've really invested in, and at some point I felt a shift. I wasn't a priority in the same way anymore. It's not dramatic. It doesn't have to become a thing, but it can feel like a quiet kind of grief when the friends that you were so close to at one point, whether your life changed or their life changed, or something's different now and you don't have that same closeness and something might feel a little bit off. That can be also challenging.
What I've learned is when something isn't being reciprocated, I let it breathe a little, not in a way that means I don't care, more like this friendship might need a different form right now and that's okay. I love the idea that you're allowed to be intentional about the circles you invest in or the people that you invest in. Sometimes a community isn't your community. That's information, not failure and not necessarily personal.
Friendship doesn't stop in motherhood. It just changes shape. The way you show up changes. The way other people can show up changes. And the goal isn't to recreate your old friendship life, exactly. It's to find the formats that fit the season you're actually in.
Finding New Formats
For me, the first big lesson came during maternity leave because in that season, in-person friendship wasn't always realistic, but connections still mattered. During maternity leave, I had a small group text with two women I was close to through my previous role at work. When I lived in Indiana, so I now live in Los Angeles and they still lived in Chicago and Indiana area. And so we weren't in the same time zone or physically very close, but we were all in that new mom world around the same time, and one of them had already done it once, so she was basically our guide. And that thread mattered so much because it let us be honest in real time, literally at all hours without having to coordinate a single thing. It was the kind of support that didn't require makeup, childcare, or calendar invite.
The other tool that became genuinely life giving for me was, and sometimes is the Marco Polo app. I think of it like leaving video voicemails. You send a message when you have a moment, the other person watches when they have a moment and it takes the pressure off realtime scheduling and feels a little bit more like having FaceTime with someone. It's not less than an in-person friendship. It's a format that works when life is full and you literally just have time to leave video messages.
Building a Real Community
And then there is a group from church that's become a real anchor for me. What I love is that it didn't start as a parent group. It actually started as a game night circle before most of us had kids, just friends who genuinely liked winning and losing together. As we've all become parents, the format has evolved. Even the people in that group has evolved as we've met more friends or some have moved. We'll organize nights when it works. Sometimes we go to someone's house, sometimes we go out for ice cream or dinner, and because we've all got kids, there's this shared understanding that showing up might look different now. I do not get offended if someone last minute cancels or something comes up.
The group text is also really helpful for this group, but that in-person interaction is so life-giving for me when I can go out and actually have an in-person girls night with them just feels like the best, most fulfilling part of my week.
And sometimes the guys do a guys' night. Sometimes we do girls night, and it's not overly complicated, it's just whenever it works. And each of us has been the one to organize.
Remembering You're Whole
We had a night recently where someone asked, did you go to prom? And what was your dress? And we ended up talking about our high school lives. We laughed so much, shared stories, and I realized afterward we barely talked about kids or husbands or anything. I love my daughter. I love my husband, but it's so easy for that to become the only thing you talk about in early parenthood.
There's something deeply healing about being reminded I am still a whole person and I have all these parts of me that happened even before marriage and all these experience that I had that I don't necessarily always have an opportunity to, to share. I loved that question and just being able to get to know them more and who they were in high school to where they are now is really fun.
Permission Slips for Depth
Here are a few permission slips I've had to give myself. The container matters. If you want depth. You sometimes need a setting that can actually hold it. The park can be great for familiarity, but ice cream, a walk, a porch sit or dinner is better for real conversation. I found whenever possible to try to meet in person, and sometimes even breaking out of the groups a bit, to have more one-on-one opportunities is so nice to really, again, just have that deeper conversation of what's going on in your life. I've noticed, as I mentioned, a real difference in how I feel after a night out with girlfriends versus a long thread of text messages. If there's something about being in the same room, laughing at the same thing in real time, seeing someone's face that a phone just can't replicate.
And when you're together in person, try to talk about more than just the kids. Ask the question that goes a little deeper. Some of the best conversations I've had with my friends have happened when we stop talking about our families for a minute and start talking about ourselves.
Two, timing is allowed to look different now. Honestly, after 8:00 PM has kind of become my social life because it's the time of day where my daughter's finally down and I can actually finish a sentence.
Recently I even met up with a friend at six 30 in the morning to go for a walk. So you know, before my kid wakes up. And of course all this is coordinated with my partner, but I get creative with the times that you have. I also saw videos of. People saying to go run errands together and go grocery shopping together. Just start initiating things where maybe you have some time to do something with a friend with whatever you're already doing.
Three: format counts, especially early on. Text Threads. Marco Polo Voice notes, a monthly meetup. These all count. Try to find what works for you now in whatever phase of early motherhood or life that you're in to maintain and still open up in whatever channel you decide works and build those friendships. And then if you can meet up in person, try to do that.
Four, go one layer deeper than logistics. Sometimes closeness is one good question. What's been harder than you expected? What's been on your mind? What do you miss? What's something you're excited about that has nothing to do with motherhood?
Five. Someone has to go first. If you're waiting to be invited, you might wait a long time, not because people don't want you or like you, but because everyone is hoping someone else will initiate. Be the person who sends the text, organizes the walk, invite someone over. It's vulnerable and it's worth it.
Starting From Scratch
If you're listening, thinking, that's nice, Maddie, but I don't have people like that. I want to talk to you for a second. I know it's hard to build from zero, but I genuinely believe people are looking for exactly what you're looking for. You're not the only one in the room who feels this way.
Start small: daycare, school pickup lines, a faith community, mom fitness classes, meetup groups. One person you already kind of know.
And if that feels like too much, start with one text. "Hey, I've been thinking about you want to catch up sometime soon." You don't have to tell your whole life story to a stranger. You just have to show up somewhere and let the relationship have a chance to start.
Closing Thoughts on Friendship
Before I close, I just want to say I'm grateful for the friend who's known me since I was four, for the maternity leave text thread, for Marco Polo voice video messages, for a circle that started with game night and evolved into a real community.
I feel really fortunate to have so many parts of me and memories with these people that I truly love and appreciate so much. It's just such a, a beautiful thing that as a friend I also get to notice and be part of their life and support them. And everything that they've gone through, and it just creates further bond. And I just love friends. I love friendship. It's such a beautiful thing.
There's a book I've been reading with my daughter called Words of Friendship by Jake Biggin, and there's a line that I love. It says, "What's the best way to make a friend? To be one."
It made me think of that tiny hallmark book from my grandparents, and how both of them are saying the same thing across decades. Show up. Be kind. Be who you wish someone would be for you.
Female friendships, and friendships and early motherhood especially, don't have to be perfect or constant to be real, they just have to be there.
