When the adventure takes a turn

When I first moved to Utah, there was one week where I was sick and I never left our little one-bedroom apartment, except to go out and get some cold medicine. The only person I interacted with that week besides the CVS pharmacy check-out clerk was Matt. And that was “so tough,“ because I really like interacting with a lot of people. I kind of laugh now, because wow, I never saw a pandemic coming where the only person I interact with in-person for months is Matt.

I’ve been thinking of that move a lot recently – how I went from really struggling, to finding peace – and how that experience has helped me during this last year of the “new normal” and all the things we weren’t expecting in 2020. 

Maybe you would be surprised, or maybe you wouldn’t – I never really wanted to live in Utah. I liked to visit it and it was fun, but just not my place. The mountains that for some feel empowering, made me feel like I was trapped. They felt like barriers. Growing up near an ocean, I think having an open space makes me feel the most at peace.

At first, it was at least an adventure, something different.

Soon though, working from home in a job that would end soon, I began to feel confused, purposeless, and, despite being newly married and with some friends around, ultimately very alone. Matt and many of my friends had their own lives and responsibilities. Plus, marriage itself was its own challenge – even with a lot of love for each other, combining lives, communication, etc. was a steep learning curve. I missed Nashville and my life there. I asked God a lot why I was in Utah, other than being there for Matt to continue his education, and tried to look at it as positively as possible.

I not only felt trapped by the mountains but trapped in this new life. I felt that feeling of desperation again – it was similar to the feeling I had before deciding to move to Nashville. It’s like, you know something needs to change because things are not feeling right. Except for this time, I couldn’t exactly move across the country again, since I just did that.

To be fair, not everything during this time was doomsday. Some people became close friends during this time who are some of my greatest blessings even today. The reason I even attended a BYU MBA info session meeting was because I was exploring what my next steps were, trying to answer that question of what am I doing here?  And that decision really changed both of our lives.

But before I really had any steps figured out or any questions answered, the only answer I really got at first felt almost too simple: wake up every day to watch the sunrise. Yep. That was my grand inspiration. It seemed utterly simple, but also difficult enough to be a challenge I was willing to start. I even made my own Instagram page – @sundayglow2018 – for it and it became my journal for the year 2018.

It’s probably the only new year’s resolution I have kept in my entire life, every single day. I had one simple rule: take a photo of the sunrise every day.  To lower the stakes, I also committed to even if I missed a day for whatever reason, I would continue the next. This was for me, and if I stopped doing it, I would be the one missing out.

Because of this simple daily act, I came to appreciate Utah more. I came to at least like where I then lived. I sought out new places I could go in the mornings to see the sunrise. I found my open spaces and hidden gems. Sometimes, when I was tired, I would just get out of bed, go out to my neighbor’s yard and stand on the fence to get a photo before going back to bed. But I did it. 

It’s crazy and also pretty amazing how a simple thing can bring so many good things. I think of when Elisha told the man with leprosy to be cured, he just had to bathe in the river and he thought it was too simple at first so he almost didn’t do it. Sometimes, I feel like we put a huge weight to “succeed” in something right away to feel a sense of peace. As if getting to the top of the mountain – without any of the simple steps to climb it – actually helps us learn or feel successful, feel better. But, as Miley Cyrus once said  – it’s the climb. It’s the climb that really matters – it’s the day-to-day steps that matter. 

I no longer take pictures of the sunrise every day – although I have a stronger appreciation for those as well – but, now that we’re in Indiana, I have grown to actually miss Utah.  

And when I started feeling lost as quarantine extended on, when I had the consistent urge to say “get me to where I need to be now” and the realization that maybe I didn’t have control over everything going on around me, I remembered this move to Utah. I remembered that I could do simple things. I began a new morning routine of reading scriptures, saying what I’m grateful for, and praying. And my day is drastically different if I don’t do those things.

I’m not here to say that everything you or I or anyone in this pandemic has been going through is all going to be amazing one day. It sucks. It sucks, and there are parts of it that are ok, maybe even good. And if it helps to focus on one thing at some point of the day you can control, one thing to remind you that there is something good and there is joy in the world – whether it’s a sunrise, reading your favorite book, meditating, writing, whatever it is that brings you joy, then go for it.

Transitions are changes, and change is usually uncomfortable. They can make you feel out of control, fearful and confused. Being uncomfortable can also make us wonder where we are in our life path, think about where we want to be, and push us to get there. Use that feeling of being uncomfortable, maybe even desperate, to motivate you to make small changes that can lead to big changes. Keep going, keeping climbing. ❤️