We're expecting big (little) changes!

Maybe this blog tagline should be renamed from “love letters to life’s adventures” to “always expect change.”

Just when we think that we’ve had enough change for a time, and we start getting a bit comfortable, we just dive right into creating something new.

One of those things was at the beginning of the year – Matt quit the job we moved here for because his dream company was a bit of a nightmare. Really good in some ways – and he learned a lot (and so did I) – but ultimately not the right fit. We felt at peace with the decision to quit even without another job lined up. I was relieved for him to not have the weight of this job hanging over him, and for him to finally have time to enjoy some of the things we moved here for. In a miracle of sorts, he received two job offers on his last day of work, including the company and job he was most excited for that he ended up accepting. Now, a couple of months into his new job, it’s a complete 180 – so far so good! We’re both especially grateful for that change.

Another major upcoming life change? WE’RE HAVING A BABY GIRL! She is due in early September 2022. I’m halfway through this pregnancy and it has gone by so fast and has been filled with many differences between what I was expecting vs. reality.*

*Everyone has their own unique experience, and this is simply my own – maybe you will relate, or maybe you had/are having a completely different experience and that’s all valid as well! I’m not looking for advice (I have a great support group and resources already + as you may know, there’s a lot of it and all completely good and justified for different people), but feel free to share your experience in the comments.

Starting with:

finding out I’m pregnant

It seems like there have been quite a few people having babies this year, and for everyone who posts a video of themselves finding out they’re pregnant, it’s pretty emotional – their hand goes over their mouth in disbelief, some tears come and you can tell they’re kind of processing it, but also excited and overwhelmed but in a good way. They’re also usually by themselves in the bathroom looking at the stick they just peed on, and then have a follow-up video with their partner’s sweet reaction.

So, when I first took the test beginning December, I thought for sure I was pregnant. Even my app said I have no other explanation for a missed period (and yes, we were trying to have a baby). I got myself together, even painted my nails for some reason, and did a nourishing face mask. Like, I was ready. I also had already planned out a cute way to tell Matt – I would get him a Christmas ornament that said: “#1 Dad” or something to hang up and we’d have this cute movie moment where he’d tear up and I’d tear up, and I would feel this connection to the lentil bean size baby I had growing in my body. So I took the test...

Only for it to say “Not Pregnant.”

So maybe that’s why, for the entire next month (and another “not pregnant” test later) I just thought it was a weird fluke, and when I missed my next period, I felt like there was now no way I was pregnant.

Matt convinced me to take the test again and even bought them for me. When the timer was up, he checked it, told me it said, “Pregnant,” and showed it to me so I could see it for myself. Then, I sat on the edge of the bathtub trying to process.

I could tell Matt was excited, but he came to my level and tried to discern how I was feeling. Which wasn’t much. Or perhaps too much. Maybe more shock? It was like all these questions and concerns started flooding in. One being, “Is this real?” Because I didn’t feel different than the first time I took the test. Shouldn’t something be different?

This leads me to my next expectation vs. reality moment:

(not) feeling pregnant

I have also seen movies or heard other people’s experiences about being pregnant where they felt this connection to the baby right away, even before the test or something, so I expected at the very least that I would feel somehow different. But honestly, it all just felt, and still feels like, my body, my own self. For example, I logically know that feeling more emotional may be a sign or a byproduct of being pregnant. But when I had a meltdown because pregnancy hunger goes from being “I’m ok” to “I needed food 10 minutes ago and now it’s way too late – do not approach me” and proceeded to not accept anything less than a cinnamon roll while also telling Matt how hungry I was and crying, I realized that this is a little different than how pre-pregnant me would act. Still, it just all feels like me. There is no line between “pregnant Maddie” and “pre-pregnant Maddie.” It’s all just me.

I have also had trouble discerning changes in my body. Is that my “pregnant belly” or is that just the food baby making my shirts tighter? I don’t know. It’s just my body. It’s usually when I see pictures that I realize the changes more distinctly.

I think because the changes – emotional and physical – appear gradually and fluctuate, it makes it difficult to separate. There also is no separation biologically – it is all happening in your body to this baby that is literally connected to your body and growing from what you’re providing it. I think that is also why when you lose a baby at any stage in a pregnancy, it can be physically difficult and potentially traumatizing on your body, but also emotionally, you did lose a part of yourself, what you were growing and the future you were hoping for. And that’s devastating. If that’s something you’ve been through or are going through, I am so sorry.

Even though I haven’t felt what I thought I would feel, I am grateful for pregnancy apps (I now have three — what to expect (which I mostly use because they’ll compare baby size to things beyond food — at 20 weeks, my baby is the size of a Beanie Baby!), Flo (a great women’s health app in general), and Baby Center (which also has a Baby Names app that connects with your partner so you can swipe right or left on names you like or don’t like — and no, we do not have a name picked out yet) that have shown me the development along the way. I must have not been paying attention in biology, but baby development is crazy miraculous. We were able to hear a heartbeat at 6 weeks and the baby starts out the size of a poppy seed and the weight will increase three billion times. I’m looking forward to feeling more movement and kicks. Maybe some kicking action is what I need to understand more often there’s an actual person developing.

Pictured above: On the left — I was pregnant here, the day before my 31st birthday, and didn’t know it yet. A few pictures before the new year, a few days after we found out.

eating & exercising

When I was younger, I thought the best part about being pregnant must be that you get to eat whatever you want for 9 months and have a great excuse not to do any exercise (for the record, I do enjoy exercising once I’m exercising, but struggle with motivating myself to do it consistently).

That is false.

Not only are you supposed to eat well, but after watching the diet and exercise video from my hospital, I was advised to basically eat better than I was eating before – a healthy balanced meal every meal, with lots of fruits and veggies and really cut back on the sugar – because the consequence of not doing so could have long-term effects for the baby. It could change the way they eat for their entire lives. No pressure.

And of course, a few days after watching that video, I started having food aversions to everything healthy. Thinking about eating chicken or other meat made me feel nauseous, thinking about eating a salad (mostly the idea of it with dressing) made me feel nauseous, and thinking about eating veggies also made me feel nauseous. Basically, it felt like I had previously had some negative experience with all those foods, and eating them would most likely result in throwing them back up.

The only foods that sounded consistently good? Carbs, starches, and sugar. Specifically McDonald’s French fries. One time, I literally smelled McDonald’s French fries as if they were right next to me.

And having mild nausea in the evening, after work, made it so that exercise (which is very encouraged) was very limited.

Being in the second trimester, it is partially true that many of those symptoms – nausea and food cravings/aversions – tend to lessen and go away. So I have been able to exercise (shoutout to my Monday night pickleball pals!), and kind of eat healthier. Getting back on track a bit. Although now I’m hungry at least every hour. Worst case scenario is this baby is just as obsessed with Nutella and pasta. Which really isn’t the worst.

telling people we’re having a baby

I completely understand now why people announce it to large groups of family and friends at one time. I was really excited to announce it to people close to us individually but it was surprisingly (or maybe it shouldn’t have been that surprising) difficult to coordinate appropriately. I don’t regret it now that we’ve gone through it; it really is special to look back on the various reactions and have those memories, but we’ll probably do something different if we have another baby in the future.

The funny part is, like I mentioned, I didn’t feel pregnant (and some days still don’t) for many weeks, so I wasn’t quite ready to tell people at first while I continued processing what that meant. But when Matt accidentally left the book titled, “We’re Pregnant” out on the coffee table, and my sister-in-law and nephew came by our place and saw it – I couldn’t come up with a lie to cover it up after seeing how excited she was. I’m only disappointed I didn’t get her reaction recorded because it was very enthusiastic. Her finding out also sped things up to tell other close family. And with each person we told, it became a little more real.

Gender* Reveal

I was torn on whether or not we should do a party to announce the sex of the baby. Ultimately, Matt and I decided we would find out together during a private ultrasound (Matt had not been able to come with me to any ultrasound appointments because hospital COVID restrictions do not allow visitors, so we just FaceTime; whereas with a private ultrasound, you can bring a few guests) and then reveal it to friends and family at one time.

I think we were a bit stressed because it was the first time we were doing anything big related to the baby/pregnancy, but everyone was so helpful and contributing and it all worked out. What felt really wonderful about it was seeing all the people that cared about us together, and that this baby already has so much support. I’m really grateful for that because we’ll need all the help, and we have many who are already great examples to us.

Matt made this piñata! It was supposed to be a pull string but the paper was so well glued together it didn’t open, so Matt had a box cutter on him and he was able to open it.

*Through putting this party together, I was curious if “gender” was the appropriate word. Turns out, even though we often use them interchangeably, it’s technically not. According to the World Health Organization (WHO), “It can be helpful to think of sex as a biological characteristic and gender as a social construct.”

So, technically it’s actually a “Sex Reveal” and not a “Gender Reveal.” However, having a “Sex Reveal Party” sounds strange. So maybe we need a different word.

Things to look forward to

I am excited for the many changes to come. I will also likely be changing jobs as my program ends and I find a permanent placement, so that in truth has kept me very occupied. There are a lot of unknowns right now with my job, with this baby and how I will feel. I’ve heard many things about how babies can change your perspective on life, change your priorities etc. I’ve also heard about postpartum depression and many other feelings that can happen. I don’t know where I’ll fit into any of it, nor what kind of personality this baby will have. But I think above all, I look forward to getting to know her and watching as she learns and what dynamic she brings to our little family.